Forgiveness - What It's Not

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. - Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness is not necessarily forgetting that a person has wronged you, it's not saying that what they did was okay, and it's certainly not lying down as a doormat to let them wrong you again. God is the best at forgiveness, and His patterns as shown clearly in the Bible will enable us to understand what forgiveness is and how to apply it in our own lives.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. - Matthew 6:12

Forgiveness, as described in the Bible, is concerning the repayment of a debt. If you did something to destroy X, then you now owe me something equal to X. This can be seen with the concept of sin and sacrifices made to clear Israel's sins. The problem with the Old Testament sacrifices was that the repayment was not equal to the debt. Why? Well, because God didn't REALLY care about scorched meat. He cared about the heart of the person sacrificing. If the person did the act without a heart of repentance, then the sacrifice meant nothing. He was looking for the repentance and the owning up to the fact they sinned.

For You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You take no pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, - Psalm 51:16-17

When Jesus died on the cross, He was a great enough sacrifice to repay the debt as He was sinless. Yet, who really sacrificed? God did. So, where do we come in this, since we're the ones who owe the debt? We repent. Actually, that's all He wanted. So, why the death? Well, because the punishment of sin is death. In fact, sin creates death (figurative and literal), so we must die. However, God didn't want us to be under the permanency of death's hold if we changed our hearts and repented. Therefore, if we repent without God's grace, death is still inevitable. Someone must still die. Jesus died in our place so the death of our souls would no longer be inevitable. Now, as long as we repent, we are not under the second death's hold. He cleared our debt for us.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 6:23

Okay, so what does this have to do with you and how you should forgive? Well, look at others wronging you as sinning against you because that's exactly what it is. They sinned, and they technically still owe a debt to you. What if they don't regret what they did? What if they never apologize? What if they repeatedly sin against you or would in the future?

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matthew 18:15-17

Do as God does and separate yourself, just like the Jews separated themselves from pagans and tax collectors. Sometimes, we think that, as Christians, we should stay and forgive and try to save this person in front of us. In reality, if they don't want to be helped and repeatedly harm you (or would in the future; be honest with yourself), they don't deserve to have you around. You are God's Child. You are royalty. Remove yourself from their presence. Even God does this! Are you better able to save or forgive than God? No.

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. - Psalm 103:10-12

“Come now, and let us reason together,” says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” - Isaiah 1:18

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9

To forgive is NOT to forget. It's not to stay in a harmful or toxic situation. It's not to allow others to take advantage of you.

So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” - Luke 17:3-4

If someone repents, you should forgive them. That doesn't mean forget or stay where they can harm you. It doesn't even mean trust.

I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. - Isaiah 43:25

This verse doesn't mean literally forget. It means He'll put your sins behind Him. He still remembers everything.

One of the crazy things about God's love is how much He can love us and still allow us to fall, experience the consequences, and learn from our mistakes in an independent way. God's way is free will, and if that's the way God loves others, that's probably a great way for you to love others too.

Allow others to experience the natural consequences of their behavior, and if need be, separate yourself either temporarily or permanently, to allow them to experience those natural consequences. They may not learn from their mistakes or change their ways, but you're protecting yourself too. This is the way God loves.

It's a dichotomy of selflessness and self-respect that God shows, and you can see it clearly throughout the Bible. There is a verse that is misused, in my opinion, where Jesus tells His followers that if someone slaps you on one cheek, you should turn the cheek to allow them to slap you there too. This is misused to say people should allow disrespect and abuse. In reality, it's the opposite. I already wrote this in a separate post, but here's the run through of what Jesus really meant:

In the times Jesus lived in, the Roman government ruled over several other peoples, including the Jews. If a Roman soldier gave orders that a Jew disobeyed, it was typical of the soldier to backhand him or her across the face. The slap became known as a symbol that they looked at the Jews as inferior. Since most people are right-handed, if they backhanded someone, their right hand would strike a right cheek. However, if a soldier was ready to strike an equal, he would usually punch, which would strike a person's left cheek. This practice of slapping was so pervasive that Jesus gave Jews advice on how to deal with it.

Don't fight them and don't meekly accept their behavior. Turn the cheek. It was a sign of passive defiance. It's saying, "I demand to be treated as an equal." It forces the soldier to either hit them as an equal (instead of as a superior) or at least take a moment to realize how they are treating another human being. (Turn the Other Cheek: Rebellion Tips by Jesus)

In as much as He is a servant, He is also a King. Jesus was here as an example for our behavior. You are a servant to others, but you're also royalty by being a Child of God, the one true king.

Who is a God like You, pardoning iniquity and passing over the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in mercy. He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. - Micah 7:18-19

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. - Mark 11:25

It was necessary for the Christ to suffer and to rise from the dead the third day, and that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in His name to all nations. - Luke 24:46-47

Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord. - Acts 3:19

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God. - 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. - Colossians 3:13

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. - Ephesians 4:31-32

Forgive, be forgiven, respect yourself, and respect other's free will to make mistakes or be horrible people. You're here to love, not to save everyone from themselves. Although God's always waiting with outstretched arms for a sinner's return, while a sinner is unrepentant, He allows them to separate themselves from Him.

Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear. Isaiah 59:1-2

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, - Romans 1:24

Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. Ephesians 2:12

Forgiveness is a release of anger and condemnation that demands the wrongdoing be repaid. Let it go, and let God.


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As an aside, here's a long verse that shows as an example God's forgiveness. He expresses toward the end how He allowed Israel to separate themselves from Him, which turned out to be destructive to them. However, they repented, so He's redeemed them, still holding them as cherished.

But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” Lead out those who have eyes but are blind, who have ears but are deaf. All the nations gather together and the peoples assemble. Which of their gods foretold this and proclaimed to us the former things? Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right, so that others may hear and say, “It is true.” “You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God. Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?” This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “For your sake I will send to Babylon and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians, in the ships in which they took pride. I am the LORD, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator, your King.” This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise. “Yet you have not called on me, Jacob, you have not wearied yourselves for me, Israel. You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings, nor honored me with your sacrifices. I have not burdened you with grain offerings nor wearied you with demands for incense. You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me, or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices. But you have burdened me with your sins and wearied me with your offenses. “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence. Your first father sinned; those I sent to teach you rebelled against me. So I disgraced the dignitaries of your temple; I consigned Jacob to destruction and Israel to scorn. - Isaiah 43