Let It Go (Not the Song) ;-)

Sometimes, we all have to accept help from others. It allows others to feel good about themselves, strengthens relationships, and reminds you that you can not do life alone. Not if you want to actually live and enjoy it.

I have decided to go to my grandmother's burial in New Hampshire. It will be a complicated plan in order to get me there and back without a plane (I am terrified) and in time for work the next week, making sure my parents cat is taken care of, and that my child is being watched since my husband works nights. Both my husband and my mother-in-law will end up taking a day off work just to let me go. Then, my husband will be driving non-stop from here to New Hampshire (a 12-15 hour drive) and then back to South Carolina since my parents will not be leaving for home for a week. Deep breath. I originally was not going to go.

My first thoughts, when I heard of the burial, spiraled out of control, and I could not get past my sudden anxiety. How would I be able to accomplish all this? So many people have to pitch in to help me? Suddenly, I was creating excuses on why I did not need to show up. I have not shown up there in years. Now, after my grandparents have passed way, now, I am showing up to bury them. It seems lame. I am making too many people miss work. Cadence will miss me. I will miss her too much. This will be the longest I have been away from her. Can we afford all this gas? Can I face all these remote family members without having a panic attack (I have social anxiety issues)? Who is going to take care of everything back home? The house will end up too messy. Everyone and everything will go under if I am not there to singlehandedly keep things running smoothly!!

Yeah, do not laugh. This is serious business.

Then, my sweet husband stopped me abruptly and gave me a reality check. We got this. If you want to go, he said, do not worry about how we will make this happen. Just go, and I will figure everything out on this side. It did not stop my flooding thoughts, but it did feel like a breath of fresh air. It gave me pause enough to reconsider the flooding thoughts. It made me realize how foolish I was being. Of course, my responsibilities matter, but we were not meant to do all this alone. God made us, and God, even God, comes in a trifecta of power. Even he is connected with others. He wants us to be connected too. It almost makes me cry to think on it. I finally decided to go. My grandmother's burial is more important than all this worry. My feelings are good for guidance, but they were never intended to be my master. Only God is. He would want me there, even if just to support my dad. Seeing that father's day is coming up, this is even more important, seeing he is missing HIS dad AND his mom. I wish I could have known my grandparents more, but distance and the illusion of singlehanded independence blinded me to the fact that time was passing on things that matter. Let Jesus take the wheel, let the Father calm your heart, let the Spirit show you the way. Reality check in more than one way and more than just this situation.

If I am doing this here, I am doing this in many places, and I may end up regreting much more. I would regret not going. I wish to be there for my dad, to let go of my grandparents, to say goodbye even if I did not say hello enough, to see the relatives I never get to see, to not make the same mistakes again, to feel the sunrise in the north, to have one-on-one time with my husband and parents in the car, to let go. Let it go. Relax. God's got this. Ask for help. That is my lesson. I hope to take it to heart and work on this throughout my life in many ways. I have to make a note for myself to remember. This is what matters. Love matters. Sometimes, the ones who try to carry it all need to be carried.