Who is in Control Here?

Today, I sit here still trying to breathe.

No, I am not having an asthma attack. I am just trying to breath and relax. Trying to take in the present moment and live in the "now" is more difficult than I imagined when I started. Ever since my realization of how deeply my claws were in the details of my life, trying to control and maintain a sense of independence (I don't need anybody!), I have been trying and trying to let go. Wow, this is something else.

The longer I thought about it, the more stuff I realized were in part due to this delusional mindset. Maintaining my weight, never a bad thing, turned into a calorie obsession, triggering a splurge-deprivation cycle of guilt. My joy of cleaning and organizing (yes, I am weird like that) turned into a sense of anxiety anytime someone dropped a sock outside the hamper or tracked dirt into the house. My home is not pristine, lest you think otherwise, since I do not have the time to be a 24-hour maid. This only made things worse. It turned me into a 24-hour ball of tension. These are not the only areas that I have tried to keep tight control over. My daughter is almost four. As most children her age are, the wonder of the world around her slows her down to closely observe. This comes at inopportune times. Inopportune to me. Like on our way to the car in the morning when we are already running late to make it to work and daycare. At that moment, she decides that the bird in the distant tree is glorious to behold or that she wants to spend just-one-more-minute with mommy playing chase. Yes, it is with a heavy heart I have to say I rush her everytime. God forbid I arrive fifteen minutes later than normal and have to leave fifteen minutes later that afternoon to make up the time. So, I push her out of enjoying God's beauty or pick her up and place her in the carseat, clearly distraught, because I can not and will not spend a moment more than necessary on this impromptu quality time.

Anyway, continual guilt, aggravation, the feeling of less and less time to do anything I "needed" to do only worsened. Note the quotation marks. I really did not need to do all this, to take on this weight of what I believed were my responsibilities.

I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and some obsessive compulsive tendencies. We caught it before it turned into a full-fledged disorder. This is not what the doctor said. He did not indicate that it would ever become that. I did. I see my path and see where it was leading. I am done with living on periphery of life, lost in constant thought and worry. I did not realize that I was living there, only that I was constantly biting my tongue from speaking in irritability, I never just sat and enjoyed spending time with my daughter for any real length of time (how could I with such a full to-do list!), and the house never seemed clean even after hours of cleaning (HOURS. I literally did not sit down or eat dinner sometimes just to clean.) I was lost in it. My therapist even suggested that cleaning can be meditative, a focused, mindless task that I was using to do with my anxiety issues. Maybe that is true. Maybe I was still digging myself further into the anxiety by doing it in the manner I was. Do not get me wrong. I will still clean plenty and organize my fill (I enjoy it, strangely enough), but I want to turn it into what my therapist suggested: a meditative activity. The moment it turns into an obsessive worry, I am going to stop for the day and pray.

I have also stopped counting calories. If I gain weight, so what? I am trying desperately to cling to a sense of control over my body as if I feel deep inside that I have little control over my life. But that is the thing, is it not? The truth is, I DO have little to NO control over my life. And I am not the only one. Only God controls this world and all that happens in it. And he loves us and will take care of us, no worries. I love this quote from the Bible:

Matthew 6:25 - 34 - “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ? 28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Know what else? I have a to-do list already written up, out of habit, listing all the chores I "need" to complete today. Not one of them are necessary, at least for today. I think I will write a new to-do list and write only one thing on it: Play with Cady. That sounds doable. We might even play chase and do some bird watching.

Have a blessed day.

Let It Go (Not the Song) ;-)

Sometimes, we all have to accept help from others. It allows others to feel good about themselves, strengthens relationships, and reminds you that you can not do life alone. Not if you want to actually live and enjoy it.

I have decided to go to my grandmother's burial in New Hampshire. It will be a complicated plan in order to get me there and back without a plane (I am terrified) and in time for work the next week, making sure my parents cat is taken care of, and that my child is being watched since my husband works nights. Both my husband and my mother-in-law will end up taking a day off work just to let me go. Then, my husband will be driving non-stop from here to New Hampshire (a 12-15 hour drive) and then back to South Carolina since my parents will not be leaving for home for a week. Deep breath. I originally was not going to go.

My first thoughts, when I heard of the burial, spiraled out of control, and I could not get past my sudden anxiety. How would I be able to accomplish all this? So many people have to pitch in to help me? Suddenly, I was creating excuses on why I did not need to show up. I have not shown up there in years. Now, after my grandparents have passed way, now, I am showing up to bury them. It seems lame. I am making too many people miss work. Cadence will miss me. I will miss her too much. This will be the longest I have been away from her. Can we afford all this gas? Can I face all these remote family members without having a panic attack (I have social anxiety issues)? Who is going to take care of everything back home? The house will end up too messy. Everyone and everything will go under if I am not there to singlehandedly keep things running smoothly!!

Yeah, do not laugh. This is serious business.

Then, my sweet husband stopped me abruptly and gave me a reality check. We got this. If you want to go, he said, do not worry about how we will make this happen. Just go, and I will figure everything out on this side. It did not stop my flooding thoughts, but it did feel like a breath of fresh air. It gave me pause enough to reconsider the flooding thoughts. It made me realize how foolish I was being. Of course, my responsibilities matter, but we were not meant to do all this alone. God made us, and God, even God, comes in a trifecta of power. Even he is connected with others. He wants us to be connected too. It almost makes me cry to think on it. I finally decided to go. My grandmother's burial is more important than all this worry. My feelings are good for guidance, but they were never intended to be my master. Only God is. He would want me there, even if just to support my dad. Seeing that father's day is coming up, this is even more important, seeing he is missing HIS dad AND his mom. I wish I could have known my grandparents more, but distance and the illusion of singlehanded independence blinded me to the fact that time was passing on things that matter. Let Jesus take the wheel, let the Father calm your heart, let the Spirit show you the way. Reality check in more than one way and more than just this situation.

If I am doing this here, I am doing this in many places, and I may end up regreting much more. I would regret not going. I wish to be there for my dad, to let go of my grandparents, to say goodbye even if I did not say hello enough, to see the relatives I never get to see, to not make the same mistakes again, to feel the sunrise in the north, to have one-on-one time with my husband and parents in the car, to let go. Let it go. Relax. God's got this. Ask for help. That is my lesson. I hope to take it to heart and work on this throughout my life in many ways. I have to make a note for myself to remember. This is what matters. Love matters. Sometimes, the ones who try to carry it all need to be carried.