Fear is a Liar

I confess that I once believed fear and the things it would tell me in the darkness.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

It says "do not fear" hundreds of times in the Bible, one of God's most frequently repeated commands.

Almost every person spoken of in the Bible faced terrible fear, and it's very possible even Jesus was overwhelmed with this feeling in the Garden of Gethsemane.

"Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.

When Jesus says that He is troubled, that is the Greek word ἀδημονέω, which can be translated as heavy, feel fear, or lack courage.

Why would the Bible say multiple times that we should not fear, and then show Jesus, a perfect being, as fearful? Well, probably it's because God understands that most of us will be afraid when facing pain or possible death. The point is not let fear determine our actions nor let it incapacitate us. Jesus showed us what to do when afraid. He turned to the Father and prayed, nonstop. He asked for companionship with fellow believers. Sometimes, though, we are alone in our darkest hour, like Jesus was, and others don't stand by our side. In that case, let there be no doubt that we need no companionship more than the one with Father God. He will never leave your side.

"Do not fear" is not a command to switch our fears off like a light switch, which is impossible. It's a comforting phrase to remind us that God is in control always.

"But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3

When, not if, I am afraid, I will trust you God. All of us will be afraid at some point. What will you do with it?

Fear is spoken of often in the Word because it is a universal spiritual battle.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear is not from God. It has touched us all in some form, and it is very powerful. However, it's important to remember that God is more powerful, and with God, you are more powerful.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper.” Psalm 118:6-7

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

We could go on all day with these verses, but I think you get the point. Let me tell you a more personal story.

I've dealt with anxiety all my life. I didn't always understand why I would feel so uncomfortable going to the store or going to tae kwon do classes I'd been going to for years. I didn't always get that my chronic nightmares were a product of unrecognized emotions. I just avoided things that made it happen when I could. One night as a child, God planted a seed in me that I needed later.

I was relaxing in my safe bedroom when I became unreasonably afraid. Now that I look back, I'm not sure if I just got the creeps for some reason or if it was an anxiety attack. All I know is that I went on high alert, and I couldn't move from my spot to tell anyone. All I could do was whisper to God from underneath my blankets. So, I did, and I sang to Him for at least an hour.

Slowly at first, the invisible claws that squeezed my heart in fear released until they disappeared. When I say I became unafraid that night, I don't mean that I simply felt normal again. I felt so without fear, brave, confident in my safety that I was literally smiling as I finally fell asleep.

"Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified.
“It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them:
“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out,
“Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying,
“Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:22-33

Note that Peter said, "tell me to come to you on the water." He asked for God to help him face his fear. He wanted to experience the fear with God at his side.

Anytime I've felt afraid again or anxious in anyway, I try to make it a point to face the fear. Sometimes, I'm unsuccessful. However, I know that the feeling can be overcome with God's strength, so I pray to myself or aloud in that moment.

Never let fear be the reason you do or don't do something. Be smart. The emotion is there as a warning signal that there "might" be danger. Don't walk into a fire or jump off a building because you aren't acting on fear, obviously. However, if you feel fear when the future is uncertain, don't act on that fear. The fear will build a wall to block life out. Tear down those bricks; hide under a blanket and say a prayer. Focus your sights on God. Then, come on out and face the world.

God's got you.




*This article is dedicated to Erin Vincent, a friend who is currently undergoing her own "walk on water" situation.*

Sources other than the Bible:
https://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/christian-trends/what-gideon-in-the-bible-can-teach-you-about-overcoming-fear.html
https://biblicalwoman.com/overcoming-stronghold-fear/
https://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/debbie-mcdaniel/33-verses-to-remind-us--we-do-not-have-to-fear.html

Anxiety & Depression: It's Ok to NOT Be Ok

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

In the ebb and flow of life, there are times and situations where we all fall into despair or pull our hair in anxiety. It's a normal reaction to the darkness of the world. This is not our final destination, this is not our true home, and we are surviving in the acidic environment of humanity's many downfalls. The above verse helped me through many times and continues to do so, which is why I posted it in its entirety.

There are also those of us who have "imbalances" in our body chemistry that causes higher levels of worry, fear, and depression even during times of relative calm. I firmly believe that these are the attributes of those people with higher levels of empathy and soulful connection to others in ways we don't yet understand.

Either because of circumstances or the make of their bodies, there have been innumerable Biblical characters who've shared in their fair share of the darkest valleys. Every time, there's been a repeated message from God.

Elijah:

"He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough Lord, he said. Take my life, I am not better than my ancestors.'" 1 Kings 19:4

He ran away from Jezebel and her threats of death, tired and afraid for his life. Though he fled despite God's instructions, God showed up with a gentle heart. He first sent an angel who laid down sustenance for him. This is when God tells him to wait for him on the mountain.

"Then, a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'" 1Kings 19:11-13

God was in the soft whisper, always by Elijah's side no matter what his state of mind.

Jonah:

"Now O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live...I am angry enough to die." Jonah 4:3-9

Instead of rejoicing at the people's turn around at his prophecy, he despaired that he would no longer be considered a true prophet since his prophecy didn't come true. Despite his obstinate behavior, God showed up with a gentle heart.

"There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. Then the Lord God provided a leafy plant and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the plant." Jonah 4:5-6

God also used the plant to give Jonah a message on anger, but He'd stayed by Jonah's side through the good and bad times.

Moses:

He killed an Egyptian without due process and fled for his life for forty years. When God showed up in a burning bush, Moses seemed to find himself unworthy based on past failures, and God never stated he was worthy. This is important to remember.

"But suppose they will not believe me or listen to my voice; suppose they say, 'The Lord has not appeared to you.' then Moses said to the Lord, "O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." Exodus 4:1-14

It was through Moses' weaknesses not his strengths, that God would show His grace and power. Again, after the Israelites were wailing over their hunger, Moses stated:

"I am not able to bear all these people alone. The burden is too heavy for me. If You treat me like this, please kill me here and now if I have found favor in Your sight and do not let me see my wretchedness!" Numbers 11:10-15

These are the words of a man in despair. Yet, God showed up with a gentle heart.

"I will take some of the power of the spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone." Numbers 11:17

Moses is still ranting and ruminating on his problems when God cuts in.

"Is the Lord's arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you." Numbers 11:23

So, He got a little snarky with Moses (which is hilarious to me), but He was always there for Moses and ready to lift his troubles. All Moses had to do was ask. What's equally memorable about this and the others who yell and rave at God is that He is always listening with patience and never do I find Him getting angry just because they are upset. He understands and wants them to pour their heart out, even if it's anger toward Him.

Job:

Ah, yes, good ol' Job. We can't speak on anxiety and depression without mentioning him.

"Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?" Job 3:11

"I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, but only turmoil." Job 3:26

"I loathe my very life, therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in then bitterness of my soul." Job 10:1

"Terrors overwhelm me... my life ebbs away, days of suffering grip me. Night pierces my bones, my gnawing pains never rest." Job 30:15-17

His book is a plethora of depression and anxiety and no wonder as everything and everyone had been taken from him, except his wife. Yet, he blames God for all this. God shows up in full effect, and honestly, you need to read the full reply to understand how awesome it really is.

" Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
'Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

...Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

...Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything under heaven belongs to me.'" Job 38-44

Yet, He, again, shows up with a gentle yet stern heart. He sets the record straight and good thing, since He's the only One who can set Job's life right again, which He certainly does.

David:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

David lost both of his sons, Saul was forever chasing him, and he had guilt of sin that tormented him. He asks a controversial question, "Why have you forgotten (or forsaken) me?" (Psalm 42:9).

Again, God steps in with a gentle heart. The fact is, God considered David a "man after my own heart." Do you really think He forsook him? God says, "My love will never be taken away from him." (2 Samuel 7:15)

God established David as king of Israel and promised him that his kingdom would endure forever. (Some claim Queen Elizabeth and her family are direct descendants of David, but that is a controversial subject.) Point is, God would not only be by David's side forever but also by all of his descendants.

Jesus:

Yep, Jesus.

David's Psalm 42 is nearly identical to Psalm 22 that was spoken by Jesus on the cross.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Psalm 22:1

This is said by Jesus while in agony on the cross; dying for our sins, He stood for all of us sinners feeling lost and abandoned. There is an answer to that question.

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Just because you can't see God in the darkness doesn't mean He isn't there. In fact, Jesus says this:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

In Isaiah's prophecy of Jesus, he is described as "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." Is. 53:3

The night before He was captured, when no one else but Him knew what the next day would entail, Jesus was understandably upset.

"'My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death, remain here and keep watch.' and He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground and began to pray that if it were possible, the hour might pass Him by. And He was saying 'Abba, Father! All things are possible for You, remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will.' then, an angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And in His anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground." Luke 22:41-44

What's sad is that although He'd been there for us all through our tribulations again and again, as documented in the Bible, His disciples could not even keep their eyes open to comfort Him in His distress. Yet, He wasn't alone. The Father and the angels He sent were there for Him.

Here are some other times God reminds us that He will always be there, even through our darkest days:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

God reminds us that through doing our purpose in life, loving and caring for others, our spirits will lift as well:

“'Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday... then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.' The mouth of the LORD has spoken." Isaiah 58:1-14

Please remember, dear soul, whatever you're going through that God is with you even if you can't see Him. Forget that old saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle." It's a lie. God never tests you nor gives you evil, but the dark world will definitely give you more than you can handle alone. That is when you need to lean on the One who can handle anything. Give it to HIM. In the same way God wanted to show His grace and power through Moses' weaknesses, He wants to show the same through yours. Don't hold the world on your shoulders. You weren't made that way. God made the world, however, so He can lift your worries while sustaining you in ways you never knew you needed. Be still and listen to that gentle whisper because there is God, forever by your side.

Who is in Control Here?

Today, I sit here still trying to breathe.

No, I am not having an asthma attack. I am just trying to breath and relax. Trying to take in the present moment and live in the "now" is more difficult than I imagined when I started. Ever since my realization of how deeply my claws were in the details of my life, trying to control and maintain a sense of independence (I don't need anybody!), I have been trying and trying to let go. Wow, this is something else.

The longer I thought about it, the more stuff I realized were in part due to this delusional mindset. Maintaining my weight, never a bad thing, turned into a calorie obsession, triggering a splurge-deprivation cycle of guilt. My joy of cleaning and organizing (yes, I am weird like that) turned into a sense of anxiety anytime someone dropped a sock outside the hamper or tracked dirt into the house. My home is not pristine, lest you think otherwise, since I do not have the time to be a 24-hour maid. This only made things worse. It turned me into a 24-hour ball of tension. These are not the only areas that I have tried to keep tight control over. My daughter is almost four. As most children her age are, the wonder of the world around her slows her down to closely observe. This comes at inopportune times. Inopportune to me. Like on our way to the car in the morning when we are already running late to make it to work and daycare. At that moment, she decides that the bird in the distant tree is glorious to behold or that she wants to spend just-one-more-minute with mommy playing chase. Yes, it is with a heavy heart I have to say I rush her everytime. God forbid I arrive fifteen minutes later than normal and have to leave fifteen minutes later that afternoon to make up the time. So, I push her out of enjoying God's beauty or pick her up and place her in the carseat, clearly distraught, because I can not and will not spend a moment more than necessary on this impromptu quality time.

Anyway, continual guilt, aggravation, the feeling of less and less time to do anything I "needed" to do only worsened. Note the quotation marks. I really did not need to do all this, to take on this weight of what I believed were my responsibilities.

I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and some obsessive compulsive tendencies. We caught it before it turned into a full-fledged disorder. This is not what the doctor said. He did not indicate that it would ever become that. I did. I see my path and see where it was leading. I am done with living on periphery of life, lost in constant thought and worry. I did not realize that I was living there, only that I was constantly biting my tongue from speaking in irritability, I never just sat and enjoyed spending time with my daughter for any real length of time (how could I with such a full to-do list!), and the house never seemed clean even after hours of cleaning (HOURS. I literally did not sit down or eat dinner sometimes just to clean.) I was lost in it. My therapist even suggested that cleaning can be meditative, a focused, mindless task that I was using to do with my anxiety issues. Maybe that is true. Maybe I was still digging myself further into the anxiety by doing it in the manner I was. Do not get me wrong. I will still clean plenty and organize my fill (I enjoy it, strangely enough), but I want to turn it into what my therapist suggested: a meditative activity. The moment it turns into an obsessive worry, I am going to stop for the day and pray.

I have also stopped counting calories. If I gain weight, so what? I am trying desperately to cling to a sense of control over my body as if I feel deep inside that I have little control over my life. But that is the thing, is it not? The truth is, I DO have little to NO control over my life. And I am not the only one. Only God controls this world and all that happens in it. And he loves us and will take care of us, no worries. I love this quote from the Bible:

Matthew 6:25 - 34 - “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ? 28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Know what else? I have a to-do list already written up, out of habit, listing all the chores I "need" to complete today. Not one of them are necessary, at least for today. I think I will write a new to-do list and write only one thing on it: Play with Cady. That sounds doable. We might even play chase and do some bird watching.

Have a blessed day.

Let It Go (Not the Song) ;-)

Sometimes, we all have to accept help from others. It allows others to feel good about themselves, strengthens relationships, and reminds you that you can not do life alone. Not if you want to actually live and enjoy it.

I have decided to go to my grandmother's burial in New Hampshire. It will be a complicated plan in order to get me there and back without a plane (I am terrified) and in time for work the next week, making sure my parents cat is taken care of, and that my child is being watched since my husband works nights. Both my husband and my mother-in-law will end up taking a day off work just to let me go. Then, my husband will be driving non-stop from here to New Hampshire (a 12-15 hour drive) and then back to South Carolina since my parents will not be leaving for home for a week. Deep breath. I originally was not going to go.

My first thoughts, when I heard of the burial, spiraled out of control, and I could not get past my sudden anxiety. How would I be able to accomplish all this? So many people have to pitch in to help me? Suddenly, I was creating excuses on why I did not need to show up. I have not shown up there in years. Now, after my grandparents have passed way, now, I am showing up to bury them. It seems lame. I am making too many people miss work. Cadence will miss me. I will miss her too much. This will be the longest I have been away from her. Can we afford all this gas? Can I face all these remote family members without having a panic attack (I have social anxiety issues)? Who is going to take care of everything back home? The house will end up too messy. Everyone and everything will go under if I am not there to singlehandedly keep things running smoothly!!

Yeah, do not laugh. This is serious business.

Then, my sweet husband stopped me abruptly and gave me a reality check. We got this. If you want to go, he said, do not worry about how we will make this happen. Just go, and I will figure everything out on this side. It did not stop my flooding thoughts, but it did feel like a breath of fresh air. It gave me pause enough to reconsider the flooding thoughts. It made me realize how foolish I was being. Of course, my responsibilities matter, but we were not meant to do all this alone. God made us, and God, even God, comes in a trifecta of power. Even he is connected with others. He wants us to be connected too. It almost makes me cry to think on it. I finally decided to go. My grandmother's burial is more important than all this worry. My feelings are good for guidance, but they were never intended to be my master. Only God is. He would want me there, even if just to support my dad. Seeing that father's day is coming up, this is even more important, seeing he is missing HIS dad AND his mom. I wish I could have known my grandparents more, but distance and the illusion of singlehanded independence blinded me to the fact that time was passing on things that matter. Let Jesus take the wheel, let the Father calm your heart, let the Spirit show you the way. Reality check in more than one way and more than just this situation.

If I am doing this here, I am doing this in many places, and I may end up regreting much more. I would regret not going. I wish to be there for my dad, to let go of my grandparents, to say goodbye even if I did not say hello enough, to see the relatives I never get to see, to not make the same mistakes again, to feel the sunrise in the north, to have one-on-one time with my husband and parents in the car, to let go. Let it go. Relax. God's got this. Ask for help. That is my lesson. I hope to take it to heart and work on this throughout my life in many ways. I have to make a note for myself to remember. This is what matters. Love matters. Sometimes, the ones who try to carry it all need to be carried.